(no subject)

:
I had been spending some time the Clara Pandy on its Saggitarian cruise. I was lucky to find passage; the manifest had filled up quickly once word had gotten out that the route included a stop at one of the most unusual objects in the universe -- a rapidly spinning pulsar that is siphoning mass from its companion star. If one has the means, I highly recommend altering one's sensorium to the x-ray spectra, to experience the full effect with the naked eyes. Oh, the colors! And the warmth! As we orbited at a safe distance, I considered altering my physignomy, then disembarking the craft, for a swim in the tidal distortion and the helium-rich core ... but there was little time, what with the craft to make Ascellus in a few tian. Also, if my math was incorrect, the time-distortion caused by extreme gravity might have me there for centuries. Who would look after my garden?

Dragons take to cruises as ducks take to water. Your day is rigidly scheduled and your needs are attended. You become sleek, docile, lazy, catty.  However, those of you who are familiar with me are aware that extended complacency makes me irritiable. Apparently, I am only happy when I am unhappy. I returned home with a mix of emotions both pleasant and unpleasant.

I was still in this state when I broke bread with K___. We have a common history with old coteries.  New ones have spring up, and it is a great effort for me to disinterest myself.  I prefer to think of myself as the once and future chameleon. Many years ago, I was on the periphery, invisible. Today, I dress myself in bright colors, with a suitable balance of pride and shamelessness.  There are still aspects of myself that I surpress; K___ was of the mind that I should not.  "Why do you put on such airs?" became the topic. If I am unhappy with what I am, why do I choose to be this?

The two topics did not mesh well, as I felt my previous circles had broken when I began expressing myself. There is room for only so many alphas.  I do not like to style myself as some sort of agitator, claiming to be one of the few with the will to power among the many slack-witted dullards who refuse to appreciate my greatness. I have never felt that simply being strange is somehow meritorious -- it is simply different.  K___ was not the first to assert to me that putting on false faces only amplifies the alienation that I am feeling.

There have been times when I have thrown myself about with abandon, biting through the meat to the poison square. In the end, I felt something lacking. I did not feel this was truly me, either. I want to bask in the outbursts from a teardrop star while sipping ginseng tea. I want something stronger.  If the world is my oyster, then the pearls are caused by the discomfort.

I feel there is more to write, or perhaps to edit, but I have waited too long to scribe my thoughts, and thus I do so.