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[xinjinmeng]

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Woke up fitfully in the middle of the night, disoriented. At first I was worried I might have been asleep for a few years, but looking up at the stars and listening for the weather short-wave confirmed it had only been a few hours. I am sure I am dreaming and not remembering it when I awake -- a common habit among Turings, so my schooling tells me. Perhaps if I were to keep a dream journal I would recall more; oneiromancy is a skill.

Green tea did little for my headache, which is often brought on by chloroflurocarbons. The epicureans would admonish me for seeking short-term pleasure for long-term pain, but when I wake up none of them are here. Do I seek punishment? I have often felt I'm not happy unless I'm unhappy.

I must do something to banish O___ from my thoughts. Just now my eye wandered along my flanks and such salacious thoughts went in my mind. Again, why do I wax for those who ignore or dismiss me? Am I looking for validation? My schooling reminds me that attachment is suffering, and truly I would want for nothing should I purge myself of these desires.

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Remembrances, hydration, and discomfiture -- all three addressed by 'fire and water'. As usual, I feel more teased than satisifed. Today I think I will cruise the macrophile scene. It usually leaves me amused and humbled, and perhaps my ego will be stoked just a bit. Remaining here in my sanctuary, alone, will only cloud my skies.

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[frostbytepb.livejournal.com]

Camilla has been distant lately, which pains me. I can tell her mind is elsewhere, on other lovers, which would not trouble me except that I sense that I am nowhere in her attention. What do I fail to do to satisfy her? I have sought to fulfill every variable, but I still sense in her that timeless ache for something that first drew me to her side, eager to sooth it.

Perhaps she would let me move in with her. I could be more attentive if I were by her side more.