(no subject)

[xinjinmeng]

:
More than once, a demon mocked me.

Once, she said, "You keep score?"

Yes, I do.  I count my notches on the bedpost.  I count the insults in the papers.  I count my scars. And now I shamefully confess that I have counted coup.

I tell myself that I am above such petty things, and yet I find myself doing it again and again. I made a promise to myself that I would enjoy the present as I hope for the future. I made another promise that I would not seal myself away in my ivory tower.  I realize even by writing this, I take down the palisades and open the gates for the reply.  Do I affect a false humility? Is this simply a token gesture to re-assure myself I am not the insensitive primadonna I continually fear I might become?

Sometimes, I want to redress the score, yet I also do not want to play a game I cannot win.

My door remains closed, but unlocked.  Please knock first.

Comments

[frostbytepb.livejournal.com]

There is nothing so tragic as two people who love each other but struggle to find means to express it.

I will knock and visit you later, so that I may unravel your mysteries and help you count your virtues.